Lol. Thaaaank you. People have too much time on their hands. Smh.
you don’t wanna talk to me. so I write everything (or a few things) here that I wish I could tell you, hoping that one day, your curiosity will bring you to read this. and…that maybe one day you’ll care enough to see my worth and the value of my love.
maybe you see me as weak for expressing myself like this. but I just see myself as human. and alone. so..call me what you want. but I know that I’m simply a loving ass woman named Shelby.
I spend every day thinking about you. Every moment texting you. Or waiting for you to respond to my text. Giving you all that I can. And hoping that it is enough. And then, one day, you decide that it isn’t enough.
You’re gone…just like that. I try to push you out of my mind. Only to be haunted by our memories. I cry. Wonder what else I could’ve done while you were here. Realize that you’re really gone. And that…all you are is a memory now. And, I’ll have to move on.
God, I miss him. What I would give to just lay in his arms one more time.
every time I close my eyes, my heart and mind wander back to you. what is he doing? Is whoever he is with taking care of him? Does she make sure he is groomed & taken care of? What new shoes are coming out? How is baseball going? Do you think about your mom as much as I do? Where are you going to school? How is your dad? I miss the way he says my name after I haven’t seen him in a while. I miss his spaghetti. What else have you bought lately? Do you think about me at all? Are you reminded of me as much as I’m reminded of you when I see places we shared together?
I wish that erasing all these memories were easier. But…it is what it is. I’m still breathing. And hopefully one day, I’ll be able to love again. But for now, ima just focus on me. I’m tired of getting hurt. And I’m tired of wishing everyone were you. So…time out for Shelby to figure out who she is, what she wants, and where she’s going…no distractions allowed. and, those are the only questions I wanna focus on for now. (even though I know you’ll flood my thoughts as soon as I close my eyes again.)
I feel amazing. Yes, I’ve made my mistakes. No, I’m not perfect. I’m so far from it. But, there’s so much good in me. And…I refuse to associate myself with anyone who thinks any less than that.
I’m not sure where life is taking me. Or what exactly I’m feeling, but I’m just…feeling positive. I’m going to always be my best. Love whole heartedly. And..if I get hurt, ok. But, at the end of the day, I’m going to be the best me. And that’s all I can do.
I get too attached. I can’t let go of someone who made me happy and made memories with. The talking, the joking,smiles,laughters and just the person you got to know. It may seem easy to say but its really hard to do. You didn’t talk to that person for nothing but you sit there and wonder if you should keep going because they don’t seem to realize how you even feel or how you stopped trying. You held yourself back.
I can honestly say I’ve never been so hurt & confused. I’ve never had so much going on & no one to turn to. I’ve been trying my hardest to stay busy, but it’s impossible to forget anything for long. I am empty. Inside & out. I am nothing right now. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know anything.
Since we haven’t spoken in a few days, my dreams have continued to be filled with his presence. I just want to know how he’s doing. That he is taking care of himself. That his feelings are being nurtured. That his ears are clean. That his every desire is taken care of. But I guess he desires not to speak to me anymore. So ok.
I just wish I could get away from it all. My heart is hurt and tired. I’m tired of trying to meet guys knowing that it’s going absolutely nowhere. I don’t want it to go anywhere. My heart isn’t ready. I just want to go on a long ass vacation. By myself.
And meet the person who I have been trying to become but who has been held back by men who don’t want me or men who I don’t want.
Hmm. I wonder how I could do that without actually going on a vacation. I don’t know. But it’s what I neeeed. So it must be done.
Baby, fruitcup, please stop haunting me in my dreams so I can learn how to let go & stop waking up wanting to cry everyday.